day 4: getting personal

It's our fourth date...I feel it's a respectable time to get personal.

I have been “dieting” since I can remember. The school bus was a particularly hard time of the day. My best friend was very thin and they used to call us Ren & Stimpy; I give them points on creativity. I recall one day running home crying. Someone on the bus had shouted, “The only thing stopping you from Jenny Craig is the door!”. Till this day, I have no idea if the comment was directed towards me or what that comment even really means, but it did not matter. I told my mom that day that I wanted to go on a diet. She was very supportive and cooked me ‘good for you’ food. It was horrible (not the food, my mom is a wonderful cook) but the 'being a little girl and trying to lose weight'. I would literally sneak hand fulls of chili cheese Frito's while frantically watching over my shoulder to make sure nobody witnessed my failure. I was 9.

In sixth grade, I left my jacket in the lunch room. It was turned into the principle and, in my pocket, the diet pills I stole from my mom’s bathroom cupboard, were discovered. This, of course, produced many more tears. When I learned the meaning of Bulimia in high school health class, I thought my prayers had been answered. I never had the courage…Thankfully!

After one too many glasses of wine, my mother swears that it all started when visiting my dad and his family in California one summer. If I’m ever going to succeed I have to accept the fact that no matter when it started, no matter whom I would like (or my mom would like) to blame, the key is within ME!

Every “diet” path (until NOW) has led me straight into a brick wall. Usually at that point, I pull up a chair and hang out on the wrong side of the brick wall until I hit a new rock bottom; whatever it may be. Maybe it’s a simple and very rude question from a stranger, “Are you expecting?” or a long over do breakup with a boyfriend. I stay on track for a while but, without fail, life happens. I lose a job...now I don’t have a schedule, so I can’t stick to a “diet”. Christmas comes...there’s good food everywhere, so I can’t stick to a “diet”. Dating a new guy...why should I stick to a "diet". And so on, and so on.

As I've gotten older I have grown to accept my body. I look in the mirror each morning and know that this is the body I was given and that everything I do that day CAN change it. There is no magical overnight fix. The day that I accepted that...I say accepted and not realize because, honestly, I've known it all along...is day everything became that much easier.

And so I say to YOU…”Which side of the brick wall are you on?”.